have i made the right choice with writing in english?
i feel like i am abandoning a culture by not living in swedish. i feel like i have lost a grasp of the language – or both. the difference in writing in either of them are great! swedish allows for a different kind of approach, one that is more commonly accepted and recognized as valid, than english which is bound in rigidity and structure. my greatest dream is to merge my swedish flow into english words. or english simplicity into swedish looseness.
but then, but then. swedish vs english.
and it's... a strange struggle. the simple answer is, of course, that yes, i enjoy writing in english, it feels righter for me. but that is after years of writing, communicating, even living primarily in that language. what if i had chosen differently five years ago? what if i had chosen swedish?
and i didn't, i made the decision to go to new york, i made the decision to study at an english high school once back in sweden. i mostly love and date in english, and as much as i love sweden for the practical reasons and values present here, the language is still a thing. i have always felt freer in english, more able to express myself; speaking and writing and reading english is a thing that matters a lot to me — i'd almost say it's an act which balances me.
and then it strikes me that i am indeed very blessed to have met you, because you feel okay with the idea of moving to england or scotland, and i think we should live in berlin too one day. i know things are looking dreary in those countries right now, and the bubble i live in here is safe still, but i don't want that to confine me to living here. sure, if things go to utter hell, one could always move back to sweden i guess. (i keep my renting queues regularly updated. i keep the options open. there's no real rental market in sweden, just these damn queues and impossibilities.)
as long as i can talk english with someone and write in it, i think i'll be okay.